Marketing’s Midlife Crisis: A screenplay by Mark Ritson

FADE IN:

EXT. MARRIAGE GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR’S OFFICE – DAY

In the heart of a busy city, we zoom in on a typical large office building. We hear street sounds. Traffic passes. The camera zooms slowly into a bronze plaque on the wall of the building. It reads ‘Marriage Guidance Counsellor’.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MARRIAGE GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR’S OFFICE – DAY

There is a knock at the door. The COUNSELLOR rises and opens the door. A couple smile politely and enter the room. Both sit on the sofa facing the counsellor. They seem nervous.

MARKETER, a tall, nondescript man in his early 40s, speaks first.

MARKETER

It’s very good of you to see us at such short notice. Where would you like us to begin?

COUNSELLOR

Well, why don’t we start with what brought you into my office today. I’d like to hear from both of you the reasons behind this session.

CONSUMER, a well-dressed woman in her 40s, clears her throat and speaks.

CONSUMER

For me it is very simple. He just does not listen to me anymore. I think back to when we first met and he was so attentive. He was obsessed with understanding everything about me. Where I came from. What I did for a living. My interests. My attitudes. My needs and how he could satisfy them. But as time passed he stopped listening to me. He thinks he knows it all. All he does is talk, talk, talk. Promoting himself. Going on about how good he is at this or at that. And he just does not spend a second thinking about me or listening to what I want. All he does is talk, he never listens.

CONSUMER stops and looks down to her hands. She is visibly angry.

MARKETER

That’s easy for you to say. When we met you only had eyes for me. We talked all the time about how much you loved me. How loyal you were to me. But that has changed so much in the last 10 years. These days I do not even know if love exists between us. Is there even such a thing as loyalty anymore? You spend as much time with other people as you do with me and I just don’t know if that bond, that exclusivity, still exists?

CONSUMER

If you read a bit more you’d come to understand that I am just doing what everyone else is doing. As Byron Sharp puts it…

MARKETER

Who the fuck is Byron?! The guy from the gym? Is he that guy? Is he? Is he? What does he have that I cannot offer you? You see what I deal with? No wonder I feel so insecure.

COUNSELLOR

OK, let’s track back a little. Marketer, you say you are insecure. Tell me about that.

MARKETER

I will admit that I have a lot of concerns about performance these days. A lot of the time it is all I think about. And I worry – again all the time -that my performance is letting me down.

CONSUMER

That’s because you are obsessed with the internet. I keep telling him not to watch those videos. All that unrealistic, fake stuff. It’s not real! But he is glued to it and it gives him silly ideas. His performance is fine. But I need to feel loved first. To feel special. To feel like you are there for me. If that long-term stuff is in place, then the short-term stuff will work out beautifully. Make me feel the emotion first, and I bet your performance will be more than good enough. But all you think about is short-term gratification and it does not do it for me.

MARKETER

You are not being fair. I use all those new toys to spice things up in our relationship. You want new stuff, and I get all that stuff off the internet and give it to you. You love all the exotic, innovative stuff I have brought into the relationship. You cannot get enough.

CONSUMER

I admit I like to keep things fresh but a lot of the stuff is underwhelming. Some of it is just plain silly. I’m a traditional girl at heart and you just don’t seem interested in the more physical aspects of our relationship anymore. It’s always “come and look at this on the internet” or “look at how they do it on TikTok”. I miss the intimacy of just being with you in a physical space. Just me and you. The digital stuff is nice. But I like it traditional too. I love a simple, basic position for example.

MARKETER

But I have so many positions I want to try out. I can do it so many different ways.

CONSUMER

I don’t want six different positions. Just the one traditional position. You know the one. It delivers every time and speaks to my physical and emotional needs. But you are always flapping about trying to add more fancy new positions that you learned from your mates or read about online. You are losing me with all that stuff. You are all over the place. You don’t know who you are anymore.

MARKETER

But it’s about personalisation. About going further to deliver exactly what you want. Can’t you see that?

CONSUMER

Honestly, that’s just BS off the internet. You don’t need to know everything. I keep catching you looking at my phone and checking out the websites I have been visiting. It creeps me out. I feel like you are obsessed with things that are of no relevance. I just like it the way I’ve always liked it. The way most people like it.

MARKETER

You have changed. When we were younger you used to focus on me, just me. But your attention is all over the place these days. You hardly sit down and watch TV with me like you used to. And when you do it’s always the subscription channels and you know I can’t get into those. And when you are not on Netlfix it’s your smartphone and there is no way I can break through there. How am I supposed to connect with you any more?

CONSUMER

I admit I am more diverse in my habits these days compared to 20 years ago. But you exaggerate. I still watch TV most nights but I’m usually on my own these days. You are too busy on Instagram or Twitter to notice. Or you’re next door talking to Trey the fitness instructor because you think he is a ‘positive influence’ on me. No-one listens to him except you. Can’t you see that? He is a joke.

MARKETER

Trey is a big part of my life these days. Since he moved in next door I’ve come to depend on him. And I’m not the only one. He has told me about all the ways he has helped you to come round to my way of thinking. If it wasn’t for Trey I do not know what I would do.

CONSUMER

Trey is a dickhead. And he makes you look like a dickhead too. Face the facts, you are having a massive midlife crisis. You just sit there for hours going on about the need to find your “purpose”. WTF?! I am right here. Stop being so over-dramatic and indulgent. Get a grip!

MARKETER

I admit it. I am a little lost. I think about little else other than purpose. Everybody tells me I need to find one. But I can see how that has gotten in the way of me thinking more about you and what you need.

CONSUMER

There is still hope for us. I’m still very attracted to you. And I’m still the same person I always was. You just need you to focus on the basics and ignore all the nonsense from your mates. Keep it simple. Listen to me. Understand my needs. Stop looking for new gimmicks and focus on what has always worked in the past. I am still here for you.

MARKETER

Do you really mean that? Because I want you more than ever. Especially since Covid hit.

CONSUMER

I really do. As David Ogilvy once said…

MARKETER

Who the fuck is David?

This column is an excerpt from PHD’s forthcoming book ‘Shift: Marketing, reimagined’ due out in June and available via Amazon.